Men Are Not Supposed To Cry

By Jabari Aali Shaw

I heard sound familiar to a gauge that suddenly awoke me up from my seat, I open my eyes I can see a van swerve into the lane of a two lane highway. The driver must have tried to take control by yoking the right wheel to the right to avoid crashing into a ditch. When she turned the wheel the van turned on its side and slid across the two lane highway un till it ran off the rode were it flipped and flipped and flipped and the van flipped over seven times and each time it flipped I saw a body thrown from the van. My grandmother was the driver of that van and 9 other family members occupied this van. I was caught in a trace just as any adolescent child would be while listening to Kenny G Breathless. The song suddenly had words. At that point I began to understand the title Breathless the way what I saw knocked the life out the moving 1979 brown sedan de vile and rescue who ever I can in the van.

Tears field my eyes that I refuse to let fall, my grand-pa told me that a man aint supposed to cry and I did not plan to dissipoint him this day. For me to break do3wn and be concorud with my feelings rite naw would be selfish, self scenterd,and could not help in no way foem or fassion. I ran to the van threw drak heavy dust clouds the firld the air on a hot summer day in tusson airazona. When I approached the van  I could see my grandmother leg threw the from windshield and almost tripped over my aunt Jo Ann who lied under the van with it sitting on her chest I knew any sudden move or gust of wind whould crush her chest cavity and break my heart. I heard the cries of my two little cousins who amazingly had no broken bones they held on to my aunt Joice who bleed profusely in the middle of the dirt field.

My grandfather commanded me to get blankets and what ever water I can find from the car. I coverd them up with confortors and wet them to reduce the effect of the scortching heat on their dehydrated bodies. I went to cover Alaicia my aunt who lie there lifeless not moving not talking I was brought back to reality by the voice of my marry telling me to come to her I don't remember walking or running it felt like I teleported my self to her and stud before her in a blink of an eye. People pulled off the highway tryen to do what ever they can. A man who was a doctor just so happened to be driving down the highway he went to my cousin Lcretia who was clostest to the rode the first one thrown from the tumbling viechle.

Apparently she stoped breathing and he wanted me to aid him in C.P.R to hold her head he could not get her to breath she had internal bleeding down her from jeting any doctor lacerated her asoliphigus to drain the blood and allow her to breath but it was too late. The lake of oxygen to her brain and 119 degreas weather caused her presion life to vanish before my eyes he checked her vital signs, no posle and gave me that look. I know what that ment. My dady told me to go to the car and get some towels to t-shirts what ever I van find as the coctor jestered to him "we need to talk". I was in the truck of the car when my dad appoched me and held me by the sholders and told me Lacsetia did not make it. I berst out in tears not able to hold it anymore just that instance I saw Alicia sit strate up who lie lifeless before and attempt to breath she gasp 3 times I watched as I ran to reach her body dripped and went into convulsions its like I could see her give up the ghost.

This is the same aunt who is 3 years younger than me my grandmother raized me she is like a sister like my best friend. Suddenly all our fights and arguments fluctuated threw my mind and the guilt of out last words tormented me. See she was supposed to be in the car with me and she decided she didn't want to be no more and ride with the girls. I never imagioned she will never be with me ever again. As the dust settled and the sun peaked I could here the sirens of the paramedics from a far they piled in two at a time untlil about six came. My cousin Latonya condition was so bad that they had to fly a helicopter in to take her  to the nerest specizlist, and here I am hugged up with my sobbing moma in a conscious coma praying this is all a bad dream.

In a fanticy world I would touxch my index fingers together and stop time like Eve Garland from the sitcom "out of this world" or go back into time like "back into the future" in my 85 galoriah and stop these bare tragic events from accruing. I belived what aint supposed to cry and could not bare with the confrontation of seing me weap. But at the funeral pops was weak and he even shed some tears from his darhter and his niece yet he was the back bone for his family that day my child hood stripped from me like super man powers in a kryptonite cye, I cooked and cleaned and cared for my family like everyday may be my last with them and I finally understud what my granpa ment by a man is not supposed to cry. We are all humans so physically we are all capple of crying if the situation is strenuous enough.

What I think he ment was a man is not suppose to break down and let his situations over come him a man is suppose to stand up face his fears and do what he had to do to do what he had to do. Sometimes people get trapped in their fears and hide behind their tears a man is suppose to embrace their fears and use them as strength to to do the impossible. To face our deepest fear, you ask what is out deepest feat Marianne Williamson says…

        Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
        Our deepest fear is not that we are powerful beyond
        measure.
        It is out light, not out darkness
        That most frightens us.

        We ask ourselves
        Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
        Actually, who are you not to be?
        You are a child of God.

        Your playing small
        Does not serve the world.
        There's nothing enlightening about shrinking
        So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

        We are all meant to shine,
        As children do.
        We were born to make manifest
        The glory of God that is within us.

        It is not just in some of us;
        It's in everyone.

        And as we let our own light shine,
        We unconsciously give other people permission to do the
        same.
        As we're liberated from our own fear,
        Our presence automatically liberates others.

        In the center of the fire with me
        And not shrink back.
   
        It doesn't interest me where or what to with whom you
        have studied.
        I want to know what sustains you
        From the inside
        When all else falls away.

        I want to know if you can be alone
        With yourself,
        And if you truly like the company you keep
        In the empty moments.
           
'Men are not supposed to cri, a man is suppose to be a man.' That's what my grand-pa said…

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